“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.”-Erich Fromm.
A few hours ago I went to the movies, interested in checking out the latest recommendation a friend from belly dance class provided. This lead me to choose The Fall, a movie she mentioned a few months back and insisted it was a must.
It's been a while since I've gone to the movies, due to my latest encounter with surgery, and I'm very very glad I didn't sucumb to another ulterior motive and picked another one. I drove a while in the city, just to get to the cinema, and it was all worth it. It's been long since I've seen something so whole, so worth it.
If you haven't yet made this mustbedone trip, I urge you not to wait any second longer. Everything anyone will tell you, will only minimize it's splendor. Run, now, see it.
PD: Don't ruin it checking out the trailer. Just go, trust me...you won't regret it.
On Friday October 17th of this year I was having a hard time in the emergency room, after days of pain. Once I was singed in, embarassedly wearing one of those blue hospital coats and just before it all started to go very (I mean very) quickly, it went incredibly slow, painstakingly so.
Once the surgeon saw me and decided I would "most likely" need surgery, the work began. It wasn't more than 20 minutes when I was being helped into a wheel chair and had a blanket wrapped around me like a Buddha. My hair was a mess, after laying down for 2 hours time and my cheeks were flatterly pink with high fever. The pain continued, but I was feeling more calmed cause someone seemed to know what was wrong with me finally. Then it all happened in sequence: radiology, ecos, paper work...and the question that will stay in my memory for times to come: You do need the surgery in the end, everything is ready and you can go on ahead now. So, what do you think?
This was asked by the surgeon, while I disguised as a Buddha stared up at him from my wheel chair thinking: "What is the answer he wants me to give him? What do you answer to that?". He understood my contemplation as hesitation, and ended up explaining alternative but at the long run useless treatments. I signed my acceptance paper, without even reading it (I didn't even think about it, and most likely wouldn't remember what was written) and asked that my sister, who at this time had at least 3 hours in the waiting room, be informed.
I've already commented some of my impressions on this whole life experience on My 43 things so I'm not going to go over it again. Overall conclution is simple: it's less dramatic than it seems, yet is way much more intense. Today I've learnt that I need one more week at least to reach full "you are allowed to go to work now" recovery. I need to start making longer walks, keep the food restrictions I was ordered and go back for another check on monday afternoon, those were the doctor's orders.
Rehab has been quite an experience, already in June it was: back then I spent my days reading. This time though, I have been mostly watching series, playing games and knitting my sister a scarf. Since sitting down too long makes me unconfortable and it's painfull, I have had to lay down more than wanted. Also, my baby cat Freyja who is by definition cuddly, doesn't let me go anywhere without supervision. Maybe she knows something happened. Thanks to all who have been there, it has been less boring.
I’m so happy, today I got my first letter. I’m very excited about it and will write back soon! So basicly I’ve one pen pal and I’m likely getting more!
A coworker and friend shared with me a website, 43things.com. In it you list 43 goals you have, people cheer them, you cheer theirs, you keep track of yours and your contact's etc. It's truly fun, and oddly enough very motivating!
I’m on my way to find my penpal :D I’ve read some entries of people who have done this goal, and I’m following suggestions and advices. Any idea is also welcomed! I’ve discovered this is a whole world! with it’s on way to do things and all. Fun!
Tomorrow one of my friends at work, La Noe, goes to Radiohead's concert on Barna. Radiohead for me means one thing (hey, fans, do not judge until you have finished reading) it means: No alarms and no surprises. This song defines for me a longing, one I've mentioned before, hidden in the last 2 posts. The perfect notes at the begining, the perfect lyrics, the perfect video too.
Today at work, with my new table partners we were discussing the many arguments of an alternative life style that appeared on an interview in the news paper. It's always interesting to find out about a person through what they are againts and what they push foward. The main point of our discution was: Alternative if lead to the extreme, eventually turns into a dogma of breaking the system, therefore freedom becomes a cage, this time not made of concrete or gold, but of leaves, raw food, and...appearently urine.
The last couple of months have been full of alarms and surprises. When you are trained to deal with this on a daily bases, you tend to grow this layer of cynisism, hardness or numbness...this layer basicly is like the fog of contamination in the city. All stays gray, lifeless or just simple there, meaningless. I'm glad to be in a process of teaching myself the way out of this fog.
Being a curious person, I tend always to indulge my thrist for knowledge in what's different from me, alternative life styles included. What caught my attention of this one, was that they seemed to live with No alarms and No surprises. As a present to you all from this post, I share an image I got from a book, specially to understand life as a whole, with or without alarms and surprises. The last friend I shared it with, Annita I miss you, used it well and it worked for her, so I hope it works for you too. Here it is, play the song and picture:
Not long ago I was mesmerized as many by a story about a young man who disapeared from his ordely life, one bound to sucess, into nothingness...Into the wild. To some selfiness, to others lack of common sense, to some bad luck, to others a true returned to nature; guided his way into perishing alone in spring on Alaska. If you want to know more, I highly recomend reading and watching Into the wild, book and movie.
As it was, stories like this have always held my attention. I once wrote a short story about a young man who casts himself out, and bounds his existence to a cave. I'm often more interested in stories of drastical changes than stories of burocratic sucess. Draw from my confession your own conclutions.
Since watching the movie and reading the book, with some friends and alone too, I've poundered about this. Also, I've reflected on my own "vanish" scenario: I don't believe the nature of inmigration separeted from that of living something behind to face a dramatical change. Those around me don't seem to see me as an inmigrant, this concept often related to a "less fortunate" group of wanderers, who come out of necesity to do whatever it takes not to go back. I, having willingly on my own two feet, with a Bachelor Degree, a second language, Graduate Studies and mingling in the circles of those who look from the window out to inmigration; don't seem to fit in the concept. Yet, that's exactly what I'm here and how I feel.
Returning to this post's original subject, I've been walking around an idea: We all vanish. We vanish from feelings, from responsabilities, from critiques, from expectations. We all, at some point, choose to fight or to retire...and more, we all desing a big bullet proof theory to justify our choice. Some do it daily, others often, others just once in a while. But to my understanding, we all do it. I've done it, and if you check (not even deeply) you'll find you have too. We all construct a spiral wall around what we did or did not do. We all make choices either to try or to give up, and we all spend the rest of the time learning how to deal and live with it.
At the end of the post, there's a song I had quite forgotten. At one point in my life, basicly when I was so sure I needed to go to achieve whatever is I wanted, I had it as a motto. It talks about a change, a desicion made from here on to change and to live differently. A few days ago I was having a drink with some friends from dance and one of them, who I have to say I never carried a long conversation before with, related very simply, calmly, truthfully and enlightingly here life story. In less than 10 mins, this women whom I admire for her courage, proved something I would never imagine I would be able to do and live to tell: she-in a perfect state of peace of mind- related to us many of life hardest trials you can imagine, and simply said "that's life, you just have to always reinvent yourself".
How many times lately have you reinvented yourself?
A few hours ago I went to the movies, interested in checking out the latest recommendation a friend from belly dance class provided. This lead me to choose The Fall, a movie she mentioned a few months back and insisted it was a must.
